Minds Archives - Jean Smith

Category: Minds

May 20, 2017

How to Build Confidence – Part 2

Last week I shared with you the first way to build your confidence. You can read more about that here. Today, I want to share with you the second way for you to build your confidence.

From my 10+ years of coaching, I can put my finger on the number one thing that makes people low in confidence; it’s never pushing themselves out of their comfort zone. It’s a tricky thing. We think the comfort zone is good, because it’s cosy and we think we are happy there. It’s like eating a bag of crisps, or a big piece of gooey chocolate cake. You think it will make you feel good, and it might, for a few minutes. But in the long term, it will make you much worse. This is what happens when you stay in your comfort zone

May 13, 2017

How to Build Confidence – Part 1

Jenny has just broken up with her long-term boyfriend, and her confidence is at an all-time low. She has recently signed up for online dating, hoping to get her confidence back up. She even went out on her first date. She liked the guy enough, and was hoping to see him again. Unfortunately, he didn’t feel the same. How do you think Jenny’s confidence is doing now?

This post isn’t about how the monster of online dating has become even worse, and your chances of meeting someone even lower: it’s about why giving strangers the job of making you feel good about yourself, is a recipe for failure. Over the next two weeks, I will share with you two, guaranteed ways to build your confidence, without relying on others to do it for you.

The first way to build confidence is to:

May 1, 2017

5 Things You Need to Know About What to do at a Party

1) Arrive early
This gives you a chance to get to know the other ‘early-comers’ in a relaxed,
and less hectic atmosphere. As other people begin to arrive, you will have the
added advantage of being able to meet more and more people.

2) Stand at the bar
Standing at the bar is the most natural way to begin chatting: ‘Gosh, how long have you been waiting here?’‘It’s so busy in here; I’d better bulk order!’ ‘Ooo, what are you drinking? I might
have to get one of those instead!’.

3) Speak to as many people as possible.
If 95%* of people are happy to speak with you, and 5% aren’t, the higher your sample size, the more positive interactions you will have. *This is the number that I have found in my research.

4) Use open body language
Face the crowd; don’t hide behind pillars or extremely tall friends. Fringe out of your face, don’t cross your arms and tuck the chunky coat away. Similarly, look for people with open body language, who are smiling, have their arms uncrossed, shoulders facing out into the room and eyes looking around. They will be easiest to engage in conversation.

5) Change your attitude
Remember this and your self-consciousness will melt away: it’s not about you,
it’s about them. Instead of ‘I hope they like me’, be totally present in that
conversation – and have no expectations. You aren’t running for office, you don’t have to ‘get people to like you’. Just have fun!

April 6, 2017

The Most Important Thing, That You’re Not Doing

Why don’t we ever say anything to Shelia in accounting when she, continually, pilfers our favourite pens? Nor do we say anything to our friend Brian, when he assumes that we will pick up the tab…again? Why don’t tell our parents that we’d love for them to come and stay with us, but not for 10 days?

Why don’t we ever say anything?

It’s because we don’t have boundaries. And, we are afraid of what might happen if we lay some down. But this is a mistake, according to Brene Brown. It’s also one of the biggest misconceptions that she found in her research. While you might be thinking that if you put down some boundaries people might get upset, or even stop liking you. She found that putting down boundaries has the opposite effect. It doesn’t make people like you less or make you feel horrible. It actually increases your capacity for love and compassion.

‘The most compassionate and loving people i have met are those with firm boundaries’ – Brene Brown

March 3, 2017

A Different Take on Confidence

The other day, I was listening to an interview with the American singer/song-writer Kelis on Radio 6. Mary- Anne Hobbes said to her, ‘You seem like such a confident person. How is that?’ (My husband pointed out, that a man would have never been asked that question. Quite.)

But, as someone who deconstructs confidence building, in order to teach it to others, Kelis’ answer was awe-inspiring for me. Here is a brief summary of what she said, ‘People often say this about me, but I have never thought about it as ‘confidence’. It’s more like, I don’t know how to be anyone other than myself. This is the only person that I am able to be.’

February 22, 2017

How to Get More of Everything you Want

How do you get more of everything you want? Be grateful for what you have. Please forgive me, dear reader, for I don’t mean to be trite. But, I have seen the effects both in my work with my clients, as well as personally. When we focus on what we have, rather than what we don’t have, we are happier. Whether it’s being a better flirt, having more money, going skiing, or finding a partner, we want all of these for the same reason, because we think they will make us happier. I am not saying they won’t, but being grateful for what you currently have, is an excellent way to start feeling happier right now. Energy flows where attention goes.

I challenge all of you to begin a gratitude journal. For one month, every morning or night, write down 5 things that you are grateful for that day. It can be as simple as ‘The delicious flat white from Monocle’. I would like to leave you with this lovely poem on gratitude.

February 8, 2017

Body Language – Your Secret Power!

Interactions aren’t only about what you say. Your body constantly gives away subtle hints and clues as to how you are feeling about social interactions, even when you want to hide your true feelings. If you can learn to read body language, as well as control your own, it can be a useful tool in your arsenal. Do you want to be able to see what others really think and feel about you?

There are ways to read body language effectively and become more aware of the message you are sending people. So, I guess you might be wondering how? Just follow these 4 tips.

1) Focus on the other person. This sounds obvious, but it’s not. When people are slightly out of their comfort zone they can very self conscious and worried about their own behaviour. You can’t pick up on body language cues if you’re focused on yourself. For example, when focusing on yourself, and feeling self-conscious, it’s easy to miss that subtle smile that he flashed you.

2) You’re not talking on the top of the edge of a cliff; you can look down! Look at their feet. You can only control so much of your body language and you can’t control everything at once. The further away our a body part is from the brain the harder it is to control, so it stands to reason that a quick glance down at the feet will give you some honest feedback about whether this person is interested in the conversation. Are their feet pointing directly towards you? Great! No? Then get them more interested with some of Flirtology’s flirting tips, or move on.

January 30, 2017

When to Talk: When to Listen

I find that when it comes to conversations there are two groups of people: talkers and listeners. A talker, with self-awareness, is capable of listening. However, a talker who is feeling nervous might not have that same awareness, which means they just keep talking and talking…

A listener is usually happy to ask a question or two, and then just sit back in cruise control mode. ‘My work here is done’ they think, as the talker just keeps going, oblivious to what the listener has orchestrated: have the other person do all the talking while they, quietly retreat behind their smiles and occasional nods. The listener ends up not sharing anything about themselves; and, quite frankly, that suits them just fine.

When flirting and creating rapport, the main goal is to make the other person feel special; it’s letting them know, ‘I get you. I know you are unique, and I like that’. Let me ask you, from the ‘talker’ and ‘listener’ situation above, do you think flirting and creating rapport can be achieved?

Whist both talker and listeners are quite comfortable in their roles, having fine-tuned them, they aren’t doing them any favours. The talkers are coming across as a self-involved bores. No one is that interesting. The listeners are hiding. Most likely they are afraid of being rejected for, what they deem, as ‘exposing’ themselves. And, they are clever; they know that most people love talking about themselves, so they use it as a safety blanket. Fortunately, I have a trick that will help both parties.

January 29, 2017

How to Get Someone to Like You

People get this the wrong way around. Rather than showing others their warmth, or giving them attention, they hold back, or don’t show interest. They have a fear of being rejected. Playing it cool is never optimal. Who would you rather spend time with? Someone who laughs, listens, and is generous in their attention; or someone who is cool and distant? There is no doubt that being direct in your interest is best. Why? Because directness cancels out ambiguity. Still not convinced? Read this article that I contributed to Science of Relationships to find out why, according to science, Direct is Best.

Concern about rejection controls much of our behaviour. We will deal with techniques to change how to deal with rejection in a later lesson. In the meantime, let’s concentrate on some techniques to show people you like them. You can incorporate the body language techniques that you learnt earlier in the course. The techniques of open body language are a great start to show people you like them. But another way to show people you like them is to think S.C.O.R.E.

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